Friday, October 12, 2007

Mabul FAQ

Q. How did Noach fit all the animals in the Teyvoh?
A. He used baby animals. A baby panda is really really small you know. Alternatively it was a nes.

Q. After the mabul, how did the Kangaroos get to Australia?
A. They hopped. Alternatively it was a nes.

Q. Why didn’t the mabul waters wash away the 30,000 year old cave paintings?
A. They used water resistant paints. Plus they aren’t 30,000 years old, because carbon dating is unreliable. Also, the paintings are probably a forgery anyway. Alternatively it was a nes.

Q. How come there’s evidence of continuous civilization in many parts of the world? Wouldn’t the mabul waters have killed everybody, and then the area would have been repopulated by different people at a much later date with an entirely different culture?
A. When the areas were repopulated, the new inhabitants didn’t bring much stuff with them, because there was so much left over from the previous civilization. Therefore the archeological digs show consistent cultural artifacts. This is also the reason we don’t find huge gaps in civilization; after the mabul, people knew that there were many places globally with pre built cities and plenty of pots and pans just lying around, so there was a lot of incentive to move there quickly. Alternatively it was a nes.

Q. If the mabul waters covered the mountains, there must have been trillions and trillions of tones of water. How come it left no trace?
A. Sure it left a trace. The grand canyon, fossil beds and all the other geological phenomena which the atheist scientists use to ‘prove’ that the world is billions of years old were all in fact caused by the waters of the mabul. Alternatively it was a nes.

Q. How come people think the mabul actually happened when every piece of evidence in every possible area shows that no way did such a thing ever happen, and that the story is obviously mythical?
A. People are stupid, especially when it comes to religious beliefs, they’ll believe anything. Millions of people are convinced that Jesus is the son of God. Millions of people are convinced God wrote the Bible. Millions of people are convinced Muhammad went to Heaven on a winged horse. What’s even more stupid is that all these millions of people are well aware of all the other millions of people and their ridiculous religious beliefs, yet they are all still convinced that their own ridiculous religious beliefs are not only 100% plausible, but actually even provable.

Q. How is such an absurd situation possible?
A. Beats me. We live in an absurd world. As Chazal say: olam sheker hu.

Q. How come the Science and Torah reconciliators avoid talking about the mabul being metaphorical? Do they think the mabul is real?
A. Of course not, but since no Rishonim or Acharonim have ever talked about it, they are too scared to approach the subject.

Q. Will Orthodox Judaism collapse if we admit that Noach is a fairy tale?
A. No, but Chareidi Judaism might.